Saturday, September 5, 2009

What I Wanted to Say

"Come talk to me anytime, if you need to."

UGH. Yuck. And I sucked. . . .

at comforting a young adult who recently lost his brother. I was doing fine up and until my last statement. I said the dead child's name. I didn't wait until there was a "private" moment. The bereaved don't want the death of someone they love to be swept under the rug. They want them remembered and named. It's their new normal; they live with absence.

But after we talked, I said a sentence that was troublesome for me. "Call me if you need anything." What I meant to say was . . .

Know that when I ask you, "How are you?" I mean "How are you since your brother died?" Know that I understand that when you need to talk you are probably so deep in sorrow that you don't have the energy or the cognizance to ask for help or know that you need to release that sorrow. So, I will invite you to tell me about your brother. I will call or send a message. I will not be hurt if you say "no thanks," 'cause I'll know that you need to fold inward. But, I'll wait patiently outside to offer my arms and my ears when you emerge from your dark place. I won't wait until you call me to ask for help; it shall be my burden to offer my help.

That's what I wanted to say.

9 comments:

  1. We all stumble even knowing what we know; I know I have.

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  2. Ahhh. Thank you for saying it. I have SO felt this way. I guess I thought because I had been through a horrible loss, that I'd know better how to offer comfort (or really empathy, since comfort might not even be possible). And I guess I might be a little better at it than I was before my loss, but gosh it is still hard - still an area of growth for me.

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  3. Me too. Sometimes I am so full of my own grief that I have, not more, but less to give. It surprises me when I say the wrong thing even when I know the suffering of grief so personally now. Hopefully it won't always be so. But thank you for sharing a struggle we all have--it helps us to be merciful when people fumble with us.

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  4. I think these things are hard to say--it's almost to much to speak--but they are sometimes easier to write (either in a note or email). And you know it's not a one-shot deal, this talking about grief or acknowledging a loss. You could still say it. Or maybe he felt what you meant in what you said and how you said it.

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  5. I feel for people who try to support me. It is so hard to say the right thing. I am sure I too will stumble when it is my time to offer support.

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  6. I don't know but I think he might have heard some of what you meant to say. Sometimes it isn't your words as much as your intentions that people remember afterwards. I'm sure he felt your kindness and your understanding.

    So many people don't say a word. I hope that I will be brave like you next time. At least say something. Even if you did suck (which I have a feeling that you didn't) it is even more sucky and yucky to be surrounded by silence. xo

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  7. Hopefully you are able to extend some of that compassion you talked about earlier to yourself. (That can be hardest, can't it?)

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  8. Sometimes the more deeply we feel, the harder it can be to articulate what we most want to say.

    I have a strong feeling your actions will speak for you as days go by, and I'm glad this YA has you in his life.

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  9. I see nothing wrong with your comment. And I see a loving friend ready provide support to someone who has suffered a tremendous loss.

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