Monday, September 14, 2009

And so . . .

Two things

1. ((((hugs)))) to all of you who held me through my frustration in my previous post.

and so . . .

2. What do I say when someone does say this to me?

"Well, I don't really see it that way. But thank you."

If it's someone who loves me then I speak. If it's a stranger or acquaintance I am silent.* (Well, usually.) And that's where the e-outburst came from, because I take those feelings home, and they scrape across my heart for days. Sometimes the feelings bubble out like a mud-pot, but yesterday the fissure at my core couldn't vent it evenly and the geyser of anger blew.

It's not what people say that I wish to change.* (OK, well I do wish I could prevent them from saying it to me.) But, I'm resigned. I know I will continue to hear this statement, and I know that it is not said to hurt, far from it, it's their best attempt to comfort. Many of you echoed this in your comments. I talk about making meaning, and that statement for some is how they make their meaning.

But, I don't feel like I can tell them that.

Why? Some will be hurt by me because they view it as rejecting their offer of comfort. Some will try to convince me, and then it's really bad. Some will bible-verse me and give me a condescending "Well, I'll pray that you understand someday." Some will feel helpless. And that feeling just plain sucks. Some will fear that my faith is gone. Another sucky feeling. Sometimes, I simply too exhausted and too tired to form words to express my grief.

The burden then is mine, I must learn how to navigate it's effect on me. I'm working on it. It's part of this grief work the bereaved cannot escape.

*Anyone else notice that I'm desperate to escape the reality that nothing is simple and there is no right answer to this even in my own head?! Ha! I laughed out loud.


  1. I tried to tell someone the other day how hard it was to go to Bible study because I was in pain and the last thing I wanted to hear about was the glory of the Lord. They in turn, told me that this was a lesson for me. That God was trying to get my attention. Surely there's a better way, no?
    I hope you can find a way to separate the intent behind the words from the sting they deliver and to be gentle with yourself on the days you can't.

  2. I dont think there are any simple answers for us anymore. I really dont. All the answers I have recieved so far either leave me angry or just withmore questions. I would love to escape this new reality too. I think we all would. Our new existience as baby loss mamas just plain sucks. And then we get to deal with everyone elses comments and reactions regarding our grief. Its a never ending battle of the emotions. Its so draining. It is a burden that we all share.

  3. This is a painful journey that no one understands but those who have been there. Everyone else, well, they can only imagine the pain, and often their efforts at consolation make the pain worse. I am so thankful that I have found some women on-line who understand. That includes you. So thank you.

  4. No simple answers. I don't get this much any more, and I'm grateful because it's so hard to be honest about feelings and faith while trying to allow others the comfort of comforting me. I'll echo what Flying Monkeys said, be gentle with yourself.

  5. Not many people know we are ttching so I wouldn't get that from many people. However, if someone did I would probably just give them a short answer to shut them up and move the conversation along. I wish you luck on your journey.

  6. i never get this, because people know my views on religion, so there is no point. i do get comments that hurt though, like telling me to relax. for years these comments would send me into an emotional uproar!

    i finally got to the point where i could not take it anymore. i was so sick of being hurt everytime i turned around. i was either going to have to become a hermit or find a way to deal with the comments. i realized that they were coming from a place of love, even though it never felt that way. i finally, after a lot of struggle, go to a place where i was able to hear "i love you and i have no idea how to help." when the hurtful comments came. i hope that you are able to get to this place.


  7. People can sometimes be totally non-thinking! I am sorry that people haven't been understanding of your situation!

    I hope your week looks up.


  8. I often say something similar to what you wrote. "Thank you but I look at it from a different perspective." As I've gotten further down this road, it's 10 years now since Soren died, I tend to thank people for their effort but without feeling obliged to take on board what they are trying to offer. It took a long time to get to that. For the first several years, I simply sizzled under the surface during just about every conversation. Some comments can still fire me up. This life as a bereaved parent is a constant work in progress.