"God has a plan. We don't know what it is, yet, but someday we will. It will all be clear."
* If you believe this, don't keep reading, below are some angry words about this statement. This is my space for pause, but I'm not interested in making others uncomfortable.
Never say this to me. Never.
I don't know how I can bear to hear this ridiculous sentiment addressed toward me again. It brings no comfort. To think that there's a plan for Caitlin's death brings no comfort. I have already surrendered to what is--that she is dead. I cannot strip the scab with desperate hope for answers. I have answers; she was born without good health, she had a perforated bowel, became septic and died. Exploring a spiritual reason for her death is an open door to madness. I make meaning from her death. I learn valuable, painful, difficult, beautiful, and loving lessons. But these are not the reasons she died. Meaning making and lesson learning is a gift not a plan. Let God be God and stop blaming him for dead babies by insisting that dead babies are part of the plan. My child will still be dead on that fictitious earthly day when it all becomes "clear"--clear is not a salve. One more thing, if suggested that it will become clear when I die, then I'll be in heaven too and then I'll see my daughter, and then----------I will be comforted.
Never say this to me. Never.
I share your peeve.
ReplyDeleteI want to say something very wise and comforting, but I can't get the right words out. So instead, I offer you space for your anger and grief.
XO
Yep, I share it too. Those particular platitudes drive me nuts. I don't even believe in karma anymore.
ReplyDeletexx
This one absolutely irks me, too. I'm not even religious at all, but people still feel the need to say it to me.
ReplyDeleteI couldnt agree more with you. I hate these statements. I know that they're said in comfort but it is in no way comforting to hear that God had a plan to take my baby. I dont buy it. I cannot count the number of times that Ive heard this one and another winner is, God needed your baby more. Seriously?
ReplyDeleteCan I sign my name on this petition too? Never say it to me either, Purveyors of Empty Phrases, unless you want an earful.
ReplyDeleteI find that saying to be maddening and infuriating. Do not say that to me either! I agree with all you said and it is said in a powerful and clear way. Thank you for speeking up for so many of us that have been hurt and angered by this saying that few of us want to hear.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a broken world, with suffering and imperfection everywhere. How dare we blame God for it? Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteI share your loathing of this trite cliche. And I love your distinction between "plan" & "gift" -- I must remember that...!
ReplyDeleteI hate that comment. It drives me mad. Especially from people who know that I am an atheist. I'm so sorry...I know it's painful and frustrating. I try and excuse the insensitive by saying that they don't know what else to say...
ReplyDeleteYou can count on me to NEVER say that to you or anyone. I don't believe that and I do believe in God. You are right, 'clear' is not a magic answer that will just manifest itself one day. When people say these things, I don't believe that they are truly trying to put themselves in your shoes or all they would be able to utter is 'I'm so sorry'...
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes! This really gets to me too. I think most people say this to make themselves feel better. They rationalize that our babies and not their babies have died for some reason only God knows, rather than coming to terms with the fact that our babies died because they were sick or a tragic accident happened that could just have easily happened to their babies instead of ours.
ReplyDeletexo
Never say it to me either! You said it very well that you can make meaning from Caitlin's death without needing to assign a spiritual reason.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying it so honestly and clearly.
ReplyDeleteI hope no one has ever said this to you, and if they have, I hope you were able to respond in an authentic way, (even though people who say that sort of thing will never really get it)
ReplyDeleteSomeone said this to me today and I just laughed...what kind of a twisted plan is this? Why woudl anyone want to plan the death of a very very loved little baby? What a sick mind it would take to plan this!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, this.
ReplyDeleteA version of this was said to me in a particularly dark moment.
So glad you wrote this.
I like Angie's idea of a petition!
ReplyDeleteSuch a true and moving post. Thank you.
Gah! I hate it when people say that period.
ReplyDeleteI noticed in my experience it usually comes from someone who really has no idea what it feels like to go through what they are referencing as part of 'the plan'. My comeback is usually sarcastic and unappreciated. Then I wonder if they really believe it or just pretend like they do?
Thank you for this post.
I too hate the 'everything happens for a reason' comment.
ReplyDeleteI still dont understand GODS reason for killing all these children.
Thinking of you ~~
another perfect post
ReplyDeleteI lost my two brothers to cancer...14 months apart.
ReplyDeleteThe one I hate...
You're such a stronger person for going through this.
I'm new to your blog and I'm sorry for your loss.
I hate that too. I think the only people who say that are people who haven't had REALLY bad things happen to them.
ReplyDeleteI swear if I hear this statement one more time from well meaning family and friends, I. Will. Scream.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Yes. I hate this too. It's a great way for the person who utters this to put grief at arms length.
ReplyDeleteYour comments about making meaning from Caitlin's death really resonate with me.
I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like this about statements like that!
ReplyDeleteOh, so God has a plan, has he? That's just great. Well, I'd like to know what kind of plan means taking people's children away from them...
ReplyDeletePeople who bleat this kind of platitude are total bum biscuits.