Thoughts on Mother's Day

In list form, because I love lists, here are a few thoughts on Mother's Day:

1) When I was a child and young adult Mother's Day was about going to church and then breakfast and wishes and hugs for my mom. I have a few images in my mind of having my younger brother and sister pick wild flowers and give them to my mom. That's not a Mother's Day memory, but it's about my mother. (I pretty much have a crappy memory, and I know it. I try, but frequently fail.)

2) Becoming a mother is the most powerful emotion I've ever felt. It's pure interaction with evolution; the fierceness of a mother protecting her young motivated by love. Love that's surprises even those who are pretty good at loving and nurturing others to start. 

3) The death of my only child, threatened to destroy my new role as a mother. Caitlin Anne lived for 11 weeks, and her death made me unrecognizable to myself. It's a struggle to find that new normal, but I'm on my way.

4) Society doesn't like to remember the tragic death of a child, and assumes that bereaved mothers "shouldn't be reminded of 'it'" because it will cause pain. That's bullpucky. Ignoring our children (not 'it') is what causes the most harm. If you can't say "Happy Mother's Day," say, "I hope you have a gentle Mother's Day" or "I'm thinking about you and your child, today."

5) It's true that you don't know what it's like to be a mom, until you are one. But, I maintain that once you're a mother you don't know what it's like to not have children. To be ever viewed with a mixture of apathy and pity when the answer to "Do you have children?" is "no" is so easily forgotten or worse, used to measure the worth of your women hood over another's.

6) (This one may be viewed as mother-sacrilege.) Giving birth to a child doesn't make a woman an automatic "saint." Moms don't get automatic points for giving birth; "best mom of the year" requires the ability to love fiercely and nurture. Women who don't give birth are capable of nurturing to a degree that, in my opinion, equals that of the average mom.

7) Although, Mother's Day, seems to be about pampering and cards and flowers, it began in connection to grief, which I find to be remarkable, and well, empowering. Reading about Julia Ward Howe and Anna Jarvis might give plenty a different perspective. http://www.mothersdaycentral.com/about-mothersday/history/

8) I remain grateful for my daughter's gift of motherhood to me; and humbled really.

9) I remain grateful for the fierce love and nurturing of my own mother.


10) I remain grateful for the nurturing women in this world, who know that it is the ability to nurture and be compassionate with others that is most important.

Mother's Day: A Call for Peace

It's the season of Mother's Day, again. A time when we typically hear on TV, Radio, and now internet adds, "get mom what she truly desires." "Yes," I and my fellow bereaved mother's scream everywhere, "Give me back my CHILD."

I discovered a year ago some of the origins of Mother's Day. Many note that the mother's day that Julia Ward Howe called for was one of peace---one where mother's took to public forums their protests of war so there would be no more dead children. Her mother's day proclamation called for women to "bewail and commemorate the dead" and "promote the interest of peace." You can read the entire proclamation here.

I found a bit of comfort in Howe's words and in recognizing that her vision of Mother's Day has become mine---a day when more children could be nurtured, than would be mourned.

So, I'm sending this "Honoring Mother's Day" e-message to the bereaved mothers whose children have died in war. With you I bewail and commemorate your children's deaths and hope, hope desperately for peace.