Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Visit to the Cemetery--May

When I visit Caitlin's grave, I cry a little less. I stare more and even my mind is numb. I notice the changes in the items I've brought to her, brought to help me connect with my daughter. The angel still wears a content smile despite the now flawed paint. The squeeze toy that once delighter her in the NICU crib remains, though sometimes still soaked from the rain and with bits of grass from the recent cutting. It still sounds, but I have to squeeze it a couple times to get it going. The first butterfly is gone, the puppy is gone, and some of the silk flowers are gone. I brought her another squeeze toy, a frog this time. I'm getting ready for the day the other is gone or doesn't work anymore. 

I still talk to her, but my words come haltingly and sometimes I begin only to have the numbness take away the rest of my thoughts. The voices of the other mourners are silent now, as well. I once looked out at the expansive cemetery and could feel the pain poured into each stone with a name. I knew the agony. I try to conjure their longing, but now their pain is at rest. Odd. It was so real, as tangible as the earth beneath which my daughter lies. 


  1. I need to go, but it's still one of the hardest things. My mom went yesterday, I felt so guilty.
    I'm glad you are able to go. I'm sorry you cannot seem to feel when you are there.
    Much love, xoxo

  2. Oh, Cait's Mama. What I got from this post is that you feel you are drifting farther away from Caitlin. I know in my own grief I've felt the lowest when I cannot cry or even feel emotion at all. I could be misreading you, but I think that's what you're saying here. If that's the case, please find peace knowing that Caitlin is always with you even when you cannot feel her. I think we who are on earth are at such a disadvantage with our limited human senses. One day, we'll fully realize how close our loved ones have always been -- when it's our time. In the meantime, I think all we can do is accept that we are limited and that our emotions and connections will come and go.

    I'm thinking of you. Peace, my friend.

  3. Thinking of you and wishing you peace. Letting go can be difficult even when it seems to come naturally.