I held another baby today, a baby girl. I cooed and bounced and chatted and removed sharp objects, and all was well.
I listened to two seasoned mothers chat about motherhood and raising children. I listened and offered no comments and felt no tears, just a slight painful tug.
So, I think it means that I've lost some of my sensitivity. And that's fine with me. I need some respite from possible "holding a baby" and "mommy talk" events to derail my equilibrium.
FINALLY. And it's OK. I still thought about Caitlin, but mostly felt me loving and missing her, and knowing she's gone and that these events just "are what they are." Other people's stories that I happen upon.
I held a one year old baby boy on the weekend. It was not my intention, but he put his arms up and came running towards me. I couldn't very well run in the other direction. I too sat in the room as two mothers held a conversation about breasts and baby Tupperware items - the same items my cupboards are full of, just not used yet. I gazed out the window, and had a silent "why me" moment, but just carried on with the day.
ReplyDeleteThere may still be some days when this kind of stuff is harder to face than others... but you're certainly on your way! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteYes, it will be ok. Moments like these help to reaffirm it... we are healing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this, it really touched my heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is a moment to hold onto.
ReplyDeletehugs
Such tough things to do, though people around you may not notice. Glad you came through both of these events OK and feel like you are making some progress. (I'm having trouble with that last sentence. I think you sound relieved that you are losing some sensitivity, and I'm glad for you for that. I don't mean to imply that you should be "making progress," or moving on.
ReplyDeleteIt is a tremendous thing to be able to recognize that you are moving forward! Sending prayers!
ReplyDelete~ICLW
Sara, Thanks for the supportive comment. I'm sorry one of my statements was troubling for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is how I feel sometimes. I feel relieved that not every emotion is at the surface. I feel relieved that when I sit with "normals" and I am not drowning in grief during every moment. So, I think your assessment that I'm relieved that I'm losing some sensitivity is correct. I don't see it as a sign of moving on, though, but rather moving through and being able to make distinctions of when it's about me and grieving my daughter's death and when it's about other people, mothers and their babies. (((hugs))) to you. Peace.
That sounds wonderful. I like the last line.
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