Sunday, May 10, 2009

Making a List of Mother's Day

Here's the thing about lists, they give us a sense of control. When I make a list, I feel like, "Hey, this is doable" and "Now, it makes sense." Well, as many can imagine Mother's Day for me feels out of control. How can I make it doable? How can I make it make sense? I've made a list.

1.) We sent my mother flowers and she got them from me, DH, and Angel Caitlin
2.) I cried in church today because:
  • The readings talked about asking God for what you desire and if you keep His commandment (belief in Jesus), then you shall receive--well we all know that doesn't apply to bringing a dead baby back to life after over a year
  • We sang an anthem to Mary. One my mother sang to me, and now I imagine Caitlin might be singing
  • A walking toddler in pink walks up the aisle and stops to stare and babble at me before she toddles off 
3.) I got hugged by a couple of women today, because they knew how hard it was for me. "Not my favorite day," I say. And their reply was not that platitude "in the plan" stuff, but a sincere hug and a "I'm thinking about you." 

4.) My DH greeted me this morning with "Happy Mother's Day" and then we hugged for a long time. 

5.) DH and I commence our routine of watching "Sunday Morning" on CBS. We skipped the tribute to and story of moms--I'd had enough. 

6.) I listened to my messages on my cell phone--My mother will send me a Mother's Day Card---that made me tear/smile up. 

7.) I didn't sleep last night. I listened to the frogs, took a picture of the moon, watched the White House Press Core speeches, and wondered is there anyway I would write this all away? Write grief all out of me, so I could be done with it. 

8.) No, it's forever. Fitting that this is list item number 8. 


9 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and remembering with you. I sometimes wonder if I can write it all out, too. And sometimes it's a relief that I can't.

    Much love.

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  2. I cried in church today too, something I have done in a while. Love the moon picture.
    Peace to you this Mother's Day.

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  3. Thinking of you and your precious Caitlin. Sending you love and peace.

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  4. I cried before church in the foyer and during worship. I was embarrassed. My father gently whispered to my mother "She misses Zoe." And hearing her name felt good.
    I hope your day is filled with peace. Thinking of you..
    Linds

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  5. I cried in church too. They showed a DVD of a tribute to Mothers, it seemed to point out everything that I hadn't done for Thomas.
    Grief keeps me close to him and I like him to be close to me.

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  6. Not my favourite day either. But we both survived!

    The reading at the baptism we attended was from Mark -- the one where Jesus says, "Let the children come unto me." The chaplain read that at Katie's naming ceremony in the hospital. It was the only point during the day when I thought I really might lose it.

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  7. I won't wish you a happy mother's day because that seems false. But perhaps a comforted one.

    Thinking of you..

    Trish

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  8. Beautiful picture.
    Sigh!

    So sorry it was a hard day. I am not sure that there is any sense to be made.

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  9. "The readings talked about asking God for what you desire and if you keep His commandment (belief in Jesus), then you shall receive--well we all know that doesn't apply to bringing a dead baby back to life after over a year"

    I think you already know this, but I think the reading applies to 'ultimately' receiving, not necessarily during our time on earth. That seems overwhelming and impossible to us, but I believe it's true. I hope that brings you a bit of peace.

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