Making a List of Mother's Day

Here's the thing about lists, they give us a sense of control. When I make a list, I feel like, "Hey, this is doable" and "Now, it makes sense." Well, as many can imagine Mother's Day for me feels out of control. How can I make it doable? How can I make it make sense? I've made a list.

1.) We sent my mother flowers and she got them from me, DH, and Angel Caitlin
2.) I cried in church today because:

• The readings talked about asking God for what you desire and if you keep His commandment (belief in Jesus), then you shall receive--well we all know that doesn't apply to bringing a dead baby back to life after over a year
• We sang an anthem to Mary. One my mother sang to me, and now I imagine Caitlin might be singing
• A walking toddler in pink walks up the aisle and stops to stare and babble at me before she toddles off 

3.) I got hugged by a couple of women today, because they knew how hard it was for me. "Not my favorite day," I say. And their reply was not that platitude "in the plan" stuff, but a sincere hug and a "I'm thinking about you." 

4.) My DH greeted me this morning with "Happy Mother's Day" and then we hugged for a long time. 

5.) DH and I commence our routine of watching "Sunday Morning" on CBS. We skipped the tribute to and story of moms--I'd had enough. 

6.) I listened to my messages on my cell phone--My mother will send me a Mother's Day Card---that made me tear/smile up. 

7.) I didn't sleep last night. I listened to the frogs, took a picture of the moon, watched the White House Press Core speeches, and wondered is there anyway I would write this all away? Write grief all out of me, so I could be done with it. 

8.) No, it's forever. Fitting that this is list item number 8.