Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dream Explained

I wrote about a dream where I saw myself sitting on a blue marble bench. Because it stuck with me in my waking hours, I wrote about it and that helped me release its hold to me. I have a personal conviction about dreams. I believe they have meaning. I believe that if I work at it, I can discover the reason why my mind needs to work on something in my unconsciousness, because I'm unable to work on it in consciousness. Sometimes that's because I don't have time or it's too difficult. Here's what I discovered about the blue marble bench.

1) It exists. In fact there are four of them outside the building that houses the preschool where I volunteer.

2) My volunteer work is teaching young children music, and I sing many of the songs I sang to Caitlin when she was alive.

3) I love teaching young children music. I teach them to use their voices, to learn to move creatively to music, to pay attention to life with their ears not their eyes, and to express themselves through creating their own songs and musical sounds. It's rewarding work, when teachers and parents tell me that their children love music, but more importantly when they tell me that they see that their children are musical (when they never were before). Of course they are! Music develops as a mode of expression long before speech, but I digress.

4) My heart was in deep sorrow every time I sang those songs and watched little precious faces light up -- faces that were not my child's face. And one of those cold blue benches was where my heart sat, while the rest of me nurtured other people's babies. I don't resent that nurturing, it's the kind of mother Caitlin has. I am, however, distressed that I nurture my child's memory and no longer nurture her in this physical realm.

And that I believe, is the meaning of the dream of the blue marble bench.


  1. That is really astounding. I believe in dreams telling me things too, although I haven't been quiet enough lately to really have a decent one.


  2. Wow. I don't think I've ever experienced such a connection with my own dreams. I'm glad you were able to do so.

    I think it's amazing that you volunteer to teach music to other children. Even if you say it doesn't make you bitter or resentful, it's still amazing. I doubt I'd have such strength.

    Thinking of you and hoping you have a peaceful Mother's Day.

  3. What a vision - your heart sitting, alone on the cold blue bench. So vivid and sad. I'm sorry.

  4. Wow, amazing. You are so intuitive. I wish I were more like you! I mean that sincerely. You are so in tune, and I admire that.

    I'll be thinking of you, sending much love and peace your way this weekend.

    p.s.Children's music teachers are some of my favorite people! :)

  5. I just found your blog on 'Under the Tree' and wanted to let you know I added you to my blog list.

    I've lost 2 of my children, Alyssa at 22 weeks, and David at 4 days due to multiple birth defects.

    I hope to read more from you :)