I'm just so tired of trying sometimes.
That's not to say that I won't, only that I get so exhausted from trying to give a shit about the little things. And by little things, I meant paychecks, and house payments, and nice things to say to friends and family, I am just so tired. That's not to say I don't love, it's just that I'm tired and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail at a good lot of what I'm supposed to do in the very near future.
'Cause I'm sucking at regular life right now, you know, the life where you're living a dream life with living children and not at dead child. This sucks. I AM SO GDamn TIRED.
This is one of those nights where I feel I have nothing left. But then the AM will come without my calling and I will rise again, and do the mundane as I always do. But I hate it more and more each day. But will do it none the less.
Strange, i am longing for the normal. And yet I know that feeling... not giving a rats a** about the mundane but why do I want my normal life to begin again? I suppose it would erase the pain and the chaos. But somehow I can't get to normal, or don't do normal or don't recognise normal anymore.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's all that's left, to go through the motions. And with time it will become a pleasure again, those rituals of common days.
xoxo Ines
I'm sorry you are so tired. That tired that weighs down your soul, heart, lungs, legs, eyes... a tired I wish we did not know.
ReplyDeleteLet yourself be tired for a little while if you can. Can you have a day to lay in bed, with dirty hair, teeth and clothes? Can you take a day to do nothing but be with your tired and anger? I know a day may not be enough, but at least you can totally give into it for a little while that way.
Life is hard and when this hits it is nearly impossible.
I am thinking of you and sending love.
We hear you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThe way you keep going and keep giving to so many in your "normal" life and those of us in the grief community amazes me. Since the death of my daughter I have not been able to contribute in either the "normal" world or the grief community in a worthwhile way. Know that I am holding you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all you give even though the weariness at times is so heavy.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteRelease some of your "supposed to do" things. What can you delegate? Please don't see your actions (or lack of) as failures, you are still saying goodbye to your daughter and that takes so much more energy and time than people think.
And you won't always feel so tired, but it's here now for a reason so go with it.
Much love to you.
I was thinking of deleting these posts. Not my best face, but I guess that's the thing, huh? This is how it is sometimes. THANKS for the hugs. I'm fine. I'm fine because others hold me up when I need it. So, I'm fine and I'm blessed. Many thanks. Peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you didn't delete these posts. It helps me to see that other people hit that deep hole of a place (even if their pain is from such a different source) and how they handle it, and that I'm not the only one. And then it helps me to see you dust yourself off (eventually...no rush) and do what you do so gracefully and so well. Thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful you didn't delete the posts. I'm feeling the same way right now. Tired. Depressed. Whatever word you want to put on it.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often. I agree with Amy. Take a pajama day. Do nothing. Return no emails. Feel no obligation to comment on blogs. Just feed your own soul.
Peace, my friend.
It's so hard to go through the motions, and some days it's impossibly hard. Not surprising, either, considering the magnitude of your loss. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteGrieving is exhausting, even when it isn't shoving itself to the forefront of your life. Do something restorative for yourself, be it taking a day in bed as others have suggested or lying in the sun or walking or sitting by moving water (good energy near the ocean and waterfall!). Take what you need for you.
ReplyDeletePlease don't delete these posts- they definately make me feel like I'm not alone. Right now I don't even want to think about what my credit score is from all the mundane bills I'm late in paying. Each month I tell myself that I'll get on top of things financially and then each month I somehow miss one... the little things feel so big now and yet at the same time they feel even smaller and more insignificant.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with love.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog tonight and I just wanted to say that this post describes me tonight. Losing a child is just too much to deal with sometimes.
ReplyDelete