Monday, July 20, 2009

Moment of "All's Right with the World" But, Not

I walk along the sidewalk with my new purchase in hand. The air is perfect, warm without humidity and just the slightest of breeze, and I have this sense that "all's right with the world." But, rather than feel comfort from this psychological sensation, I am suddenly very uncomfortable. "All is not right!" I hear my own voice scream inside my head. But, I continue to walk with a spring in my step, because it is right. I am as healthy as possible. DH and I are right on track. Family is sensitive and loving and all, but my soul screams, "NO, All is not right!"

I give in to the conflict within me and sit on a white bench on the boardwalk, and watch the other beach goers happy (or not) about their business. And, I recognize that once again in the wake of a dead child, when the feeling that "all is well" comes about it will not be readily accepted. I will not be so easily swayed into a false--or is it real?---sense that everything is OK?! I sit on the bench and sigh, and try to get at the heart of what I'm feeling.

Once again, it's not that easy. It's not either-or, but, and-both. My challenge is to accept that both the feeling that all is right and the feeling that nothing is right must coexist. And that I must figure out how to make that happen, if I am to get off the bench and make it back to the house in time for dinner.

Perhaps, tomorrow, all will be well. But, I'm not counting on it.

11 comments:

  1. This really sums our lives up well, caitsmom.
    xo

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  2. "It's not either-or, but, and-both". Yes, that's it.

    I often catch myself staying away from right/wrong and ending with "it just is".

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  3. I'm scared that it will never all be well again. :-(

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  4. All will be (mostly) well, you (and a few others) just need a little more time...

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  5. I like what Shanti's Mom said--both and--but that is such a hard place to sit and live.

    (I tagged you on my blog, but no biggie if you just ignore it, as every post of yours is honest)

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  6. Yes.

    There are days when I see something beautiful or do something fun, and then I cry because he isn't here to share it.

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  7. Wow. Well put, and nonetheless heartbreaking.

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  8. I know you are right. When somebody asks how I'm doing, I hesitate to come off too positive because ALL is not right. SOME is right. But not all.

    Peace.

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  9. My love to you, Praying for peace in your heart x

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  10. That feeling of "all is not right" can stop me in my tracks so fast. For me, it sometimes feels like (and this is maybe a bizarre comparison) I'm like one of those dogs leashed to a pole... I keep trying to run for the exciting thing just beyond the sidewalk and my reach... and then I'm choked back into reality by my leash. Yep, this is it -- it is what it is, and living without my child is part of it.

    I'm so sorry that all will never be "all" right for you, for us.

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  11. I love this post! This sums it up so correctly.
    kate

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