Caitlin's birth was traumatic. She came 7 weeks early and we knew she would need heart surgery. She lived her 11-week life in the NICU and I parented her there--except for 6 days as I recovered from gall bladder surgery. Although we received her social security card promptly, we didn't get her birth certificate in the mail. I was woefully aware that I had to request it separately, and I didn't think about it because I was too busy worried about her and being sick and worried about how well we would care for our child with special needs. Then she died, and they had spelled her name wrong, and I had to request that her death certificate be corrected the day after she died.These documents have been a great source of pain for me. But, as we approach her birthday, I've been feeling like a "bad" mother and guilty that I didn't have these legal documents.
I picked up her birth certificate yesterday. A very pregnant clerk helped me--of course, why would anyone else be there to help? Why not an old or young man? Or some non-pregnant person? After I wrote the check, I went out to the lobby to study it. Caitlin's name spelled correctly, everyone's dates correct and the word "deceased" in the corner. I suppose had I taken care of this right after she was born, I would have a birth certificate without that, but it is what it is. And I can no more change that stamp, then I can bring her back to life. She died in another state, so I sent off a request and another check to get that in the mail.
I can't say, I feel better, but I feel relieved. It feels like one of those final "formal" things that I need to do to accept that she's dead. DH took care of insurance, and we did the funeral arrangements together. I know the journey continues, but this feels like a "closure" moment--similar to seeing her memorial stone placed at her grave.
Sigh---a piece of paper with her name on it that says--she was here.
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I am glad to hear that the certificate brought you comfort. I requested my daughters birth certificate when she was born, but it never came. The day she died we came home to find her social security card in the mailbox. It seemed such and unkindness. The death certificate came without request or warning, and knocked the wind out of me as I read cause 1,2 and 3 of death. Your post has made wonder about re-requesting that birth certificate. You have incredible strength to do so.
ReplyDeleteI remember how hard it was to go get Henry's death certificate; it's filed in a folder with family birth certificates and our marriage certificate. I get a pang every time I open that file drawer as it's right in the front.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture of Caitlin with her finger in her mouth.
Your strength is inspiring. thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteI remember seeing Lachlan's death certificate for the first time. It was so shocking to me, and I could hardly look at it. But seeing it gave me a little bit more closure too. His headstone was installed a few days ago, and it was a similar feeling. Really, really sad, but also good at the same time. Lachlan was here. Caitlin was here. Theyr really were here. Your daughter was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have a birth certificate for Freyja but it says that she was stillborn. I also have a birth certificate for Kees, as well as a death certificate which I received when he died at 7 weeks. They're not really important documents, except when the rest of the world pretends that I didn't have my children -- that they're not "real". The certificates are certainly a reminder that they were.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI have a birth certificate, but not a death certificate. And the birth certificate has stillbirth in the top corner. I don't look at it much. It is just too sad.
ReplyDeleteI don't have either one of those certificates and I didn't realize how much it bothered me until thier first birthday started to approach...I'm gald you have a certificate...I hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I don't have a certificate, except for the "certificate of life" the nurses gave me with her tiny hand & footprints on it.
ReplyDeleteShe most certainly was here. And I will remember her with you. I hope that with each of your "closure" moments, you find more peace and continue to feel your daughter close to you.
ReplyDeleteShe is adorable! I don't think I've seen it before. I got Zoe's death certificate before I got her birth certificate. It's sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're finally doing these things. I really hope you feel some peace.
Thinking of you..
Lindsay
I would think that, for me, having those two pieces of paper in perfect order would be quite necessary.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin is beautiful, CatilinsMom.
I don't blame you one bit for wanting everything in perfect order. I would do the same. I'm glad you were able to receive some comfort in having this piece of paper.
ReplyDeleteThe picture of your daughter is beautiful. I love that her finger is in her mouth. So sweet!
*HUGS*
I am very sorry for your loss. You are very strong. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the picture of your beautiful daughter, forever in your heart.
ReplyDelete