I walk along the sidewalk with my new purchase in hand. The air is perfect, warm without humidity and just the slightest of breeze, and I have this sense that "all's right with the world." But, rather than feel comfort from this psychological sensation, I am suddenly very uncomfortable. "All is not right!" I hear my own voice scream inside my head. But, I continue to walk with a spring in my step, because it is right. I am as healthy as possible. DH and I are right on track. Family is sensitive and loving and all, but my soul screams, "NO, All is not right!"
I give in to the conflict within me and sit on a white bench on the boardwalk, and watch the other beach goers happy (or not) about their business. And, I recognize that once again in the wake of a dead child, when the feeling that "all is well" comes about it will not be readily accepted. I will not be so easily swayed into a false--or is it real?---sense that everything is OK?! I sit on the bench and sigh, and try to get at the heart of what I'm feeling.
Once again, it's not that easy. It's not either-or, but, and-both. My challenge is to accept that both the feeling that all is right and the feeling that nothing is right must coexist. And that I must figure out how to make that happen, if I am to get off the bench and make it back to the house in time for dinner.
Perhaps, tomorrow, all will be well. But, I'm not counting on it.
This really sums our lives up well, caitsmom.
ReplyDeletexo
"It's not either-or, but, and-both". Yes, that's it.
ReplyDeleteI often catch myself staying away from right/wrong and ending with "it just is".
I'm scared that it will never all be well again. :-(
ReplyDeleteAll will be (mostly) well, you (and a few others) just need a little more time...
ReplyDeleteI like what Shanti's Mom said--both and--but that is such a hard place to sit and live.
ReplyDelete(I tagged you on my blog, but no biggie if you just ignore it, as every post of yours is honest)
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThere are days when I see something beautiful or do something fun, and then I cry because he isn't here to share it.
Wow. Well put, and nonetheless heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI know you are right. When somebody asks how I'm doing, I hesitate to come off too positive because ALL is not right. SOME is right. But not all.
ReplyDeletePeace.
My love to you, Praying for peace in your heart x
ReplyDeleteThat feeling of "all is not right" can stop me in my tracks so fast. For me, it sometimes feels like (and this is maybe a bizarre comparison) I'm like one of those dogs leashed to a pole... I keep trying to run for the exciting thing just beyond the sidewalk and my reach... and then I'm choked back into reality by my leash. Yep, this is it -- it is what it is, and living without my child is part of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that all will never be "all" right for you, for us.
I love this post! This sums it up so correctly.
ReplyDeletekate