Tuesday, April 21, 2009

DH, Dreams, Work, and PLEASE Sleep

Thoughts not related and yet, connected.

1. DH is expressing more grief, more tears, and more reflection of the death of his only child. It makes me sad. I don't know what to do. So many watch me and assumed he was "OK," but he was taking care of me.

2. I'm in a state of numbness and random violent disturbing dreams. Childhood nightmares all grown up. Dreams that reflect that my mind is over stimulated with world troubles and fear of the future. I long for the dreams of Caitlin, but those do not visit me.

3. UGH. Work. Whatever. Must do it. I do it. UGH.

4. Excited about our summer travels with family to see in the West. Whoo Hoo.

5. In a new state of no sleep and when I sleep, it's those blasted crappy dreams. Why can't I be like the majority of the population and NOT be a lucid dreamer.

6. Politics. Getting me down. Aaaack. SNL makes me laugh, though. Anyone see The Rock Obama. Very funny.

7. "Hey, don't mess with how my brain works!" My response to students today, who mocked my process for remembering some detail in class. Seriously, they have no idea how much I've worked to get the gray matter to work at all.

8. The End. Will try sleep again. Hoping for No Dreams.


  1. I hope you can get restful, peaceful sleep.

    What you wrote about your sweet DH really hit home. To this day, I can still remember vividly when I began realizing how deeply my husband was hurt. PLEASE, please, please know when I say this next part, I don't mean it in a bad way at all...it's actually quite hopeful...I think this happened for me when I was entering a new phase of my grief. I was becoming more capable of looking outside of myself. I finally had my chance to care for him the way he had cared for me. It was like I was more in a mode of returning to living than just surviving day to day, moment to moment.

    I pray you know I am in NO way taking away from your pain. Just noticing that you may be going through some changes? I guess I just want you to know that there is so much HOPE in what's happening.

    Love and hugs to you!

  2. No worries, Natalie. I get it. It's OK to wonder out loud and make connections that's how we learn. (((((hugs)))))) Thanks for sharing your experiences. Peace.

  3. Sweet dreams, my friend. I wish I could offer something more substantial. I'm thinking of you. :)