Friday, September 5, 2008

The Refining Fire

The Refining Fire

Caitlin's death has become the refining fire
Flames of heat and light that shape my heart
A wildfire that destroys what lay rotting on the forest floor
Making way for new growth

I surrender to the pain of feeling my flesh char
Leaving only truth bones
A skeletal framework for new agreements 
Where love grows limbs of compassion reaching 
Further from me and deeper within me
I welcome the smoke that
Billows and swirls about my head
Suffocating the thoughtless chatter
Inside and outside of me

I abandon the futile search for design
Willfully inhaling what smolders
To know what smell death has and
To know what smell death hasn't
Each exhale deepens my knowing

I draw breath to singe my vocal chords
Left to listen and gratefully mute
For if my voice were to bring words to the
Music of these roaring flames
No one would survive the song

I am glad for the refining fire
Preparing the way for new Knowing
That the big stuff matters most
And the little stuff matters as much
I am glad for this agent that germinates the seeds of
Loving more deeply and
Expressing that love more completely

I am comforted in the knowing that I fan those
Flames with a mother's love
Reaching wildly for my missing daughter
I revel that my tears like gasoline make the fire
Burn hotter
I offer no resistance
I would no more cease this burn, than cease
Loving Caitlin

And when this blaze fades to embers
Deepening silence and
Leaving ashes to be blown away to 
Our new life places and our new life spaces
It will have done the work of 
Sealing this mother and daughter's love for eternity
And where the word of existence is all that remains
From the rage of the refining fire



  1. This is just beautiful, and I am so very, very sorry. There really are no words...

  2. I have had this sentiment too - but I have lost touch of the purity of that love. Right now it is drowning in despair and longing, and I wish I could reclaim it. Inhale it, like you do here.

    Thanks for this

    God bless you