Wednesday, September 17, 2008

As a Matter of Fact

Work. Somebody make it stop. I struggle to wrap my head around the tasks and the time. As I drove home today with a full head of completed tasks and lists of future projects, I remembered, "Caitlin died." 

It shocked me. That's how it came to my head as if I had misplaced the event, like a set of keys. I was in the middle of reviewing the day and my heart walked gently over to my mind and spoke as a matter of fact, "Caitlin died." 

I had no time today for grief work and so my heart had to speak up. I marvel at my disbelief. My child died before I did. How can that be? I almost couldn't continue to drive. "I know," my mind replied with the weight of what is.
My work-thought dissolved. But for the noise of the tires, I drove the rest of the way home in silence.

I entered a dark still house and continued my pause. With no chatter in my mind I waited, but my heart had no more messages for me. I remained frozen until my body took the next step. And I spoke to the silent darkness, "I'm sorry sweet baby girl. I love you. I'm so sorry." 

My foot took its cue and I made it to the light switch. I sunk into the couch and thought about those words. Was I sorry that my heart had to tug on my mind to be mindful of her absence? Was I sorry that she wasn't here in her mama's arms where she belonged? Was I sorry that I had no tears, only silence?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am so very sorry.

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