Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Take Care of Yourself

I've been meaning to write about this for a bit. I joined a weight loss group and lost 35 pounds. Big whoop really. Well, no, it was a "big whoop" and I am and was truly happy about my efforts and my seeming success at taking care of myself. I recently took a quiz to check my "habit profile." And my score sheet says that I need to work on "taking care of myself." The second item that was "revealed" was that I need to "manage my feelings."

Ha! You think! @#$%

I don't really want to take care of myself sometimes. I don't want to know what my feelings are sometimes. I just want to anesthetize with food and drink. But, at some point, I have to keep going don't I?

I hear this statement frequently, "If that happened to me, I could never survive."

It does encourage me to know that my efforts are recognized. That some growth and healing and strength in carrying this grief is acknowledged by others. I suppose I'm surviving, but I don't really have a choice do I? Though, sometimes, I think, "Ah, so here I am surviving something that others couldn't. This something must really suck." And it does. As I said, it can be nice that they seem to want to recognize my "strength"? My "courage"? My "what" exactly, though? The world keeps turning, the clock keeps ticking, and death goes on with my life in tow. I feel frustrated that there is this comparison resulting in me "winning" the survival game. UGH. Who wants to win anyway? It doesn't help to feel more courageous than another. She's still dead. It doesn't help to feel stronger than another. She's still dead.

If it happened to you, you would survive. I don't know how I know. I don't know, really. I do believe it, though.

Blogging has been a help in "managing my feelings," but now it's time to get to the "taking care of myself."

Well, to that end all I can muster is a "Gone with the Wind" Scarlett sigh, "I'll think about it another day."


  1. "winning" the survival game. UGH. Who wants to win anyway?


    Self-care is something that has been a struggle and it is much different than survival.

    Losing 35 pounds is a big whoop, yea for you!

  2. I have been thinking about taking care of myself too - exercising, having a diet plan but it is not happening. Grief does take over our lives..doesn't it?

  3. Your "unmanageable feelings" have been a big help to me in dealing with my own unmanageable feelings. I agree with you-- who cares about courage, and winning, etc. I am just glad that you are surviving and living to tell about it. And congratulations on that 35 pounds. And though it may not make your broken heart feel better, your pumping heart is thankful.

  4. I don't even know what winning would look like. The 35 pounds sounds like you already are working on taking care of yourself. Seems a very good start to me.

  5. Whoop whoop! Well done.

    I never know how to respond when someone tells me that they could not survive what has happened to me. Sometimes I think they are trying to tell me I am heartless for continuing to live.

    Take care of yourself. xo