Monday, December 7, 2009

I Can't Use This Here.

So, I get this comment recently, and I have no idea what the commenter meant by it. So I didn't publish it with the post of which it was related. I didn't recognize the name from those who frequently offer their comments and contribute and help to make meaning from this loss and share in the work of grief. The name has no link, so I left it where it was in a holding pattern in the moderation space. I left it there as I tried to figure out the purpose of the comment, "Everything comes to man if he will only wait. . . ."

My first thought was, "I can't use this. I can't use this here, in A Fifth Season."

I can't use this statment in my place of pause to reflect and parent my child's memory, because I'm her mother. I am a woman. That matters. I don't accept that "man" is inclusive of all humankind, especially when my gender is a beautiful and important facet of my relationship with my daughter as she was in life. How I experienced her death is also highly influenced by my gender. I can't use "man" and "he" in this space. It carries little meaning. Perhaps the message was for someone else?

I take a mental walk away, and begin click to "reject," but that's not my way. I'm hooked on rumination. I look within and I look without, because I think it's important that I understand to the best of my reasoning--and that is the purpose of this Fifth Season.

I consider "Everything comes," and smile. "Ha," everything is already here. What I have is what I have in this moment. Sometimes, I feel sadness, and more frequently of late my emotions are quite stable and when I laugh, it's quite hearty. I know how luscious a laugh is, and when it comes, I welcome it. When sorrow and tears come, I embrace them as well--truthfully I can't say that I welcome them, but I can say I honor the experience, and in that sense sorrow is welcome as well.

Perhaps the most, frankly, irritating word of the phrase is "wait," because it suggests wanting or needing something that one doesn't have. I shall now commence to kneading and stretching this word through a range of possible meanings. No, I don't have energy for that. I realize that "wait" is pivotal. The obvious question seems to be "wait for what?"

"Nothing." I have nothing to wait for. I have what I have and love those who are here and not here (my sweet baby, Caitlin), so I am back to "I can't use this here." I reject the comment. Perhaps, the commenter will share again, only next time express what he or she truly means to share. As John Mayer sings, "Say what you mean to say." But, no matter, I know what it means for me. I can't use this, here. Peace.


  1. I do not dwell on these comments people make - your angel will guide you - my angel is a three day old baby who had not even learnt to suckle. Your angel will bring you many gifts- my angel is teh only gift I want - so I believe what is - is. I have to just deal with it in whatever way I can.

  2. I can't stand empty, deliberately cryptic, platitudes... whatever that comment was meant to mean is lost on me too. Reject away.


  3. I dont get it either? And to me it means that you somehow are standing in a void just waiting for some unsean force to bring "everything" youve ever wanted to you. You were right to reject. *HUGS*

  4. Sounds like an empty platitude to me too. I love how you addressed it here!

  5. I've rejected a few comments too. I figure it's MY blog so I get to decide what goes on it.

    The comment you rejected had all sorts of unsaid judgment, etc, swirling around it, didn't it? I don't blame you.