Thursday, October 15, 2009

Waylaid, Delayed, and Detoured

Yikes, the day I had yesterday . . . . here it is without a breath . . .

I'm immersed in some new possibilities for my career and I get waylaid on some paperwork and am late to a meeting, an hour late, but I go anyway because when I get in the car I hear "Let it Be," and I think, "yeah, just let it be. You already know how hard life can be. This whole late to a meeting that's nothing," so I keep driving and arrive at the meeting, whereby some dolt says, "You have children don't you?"

"Oh, yes we do. We had a daughter two years ago and she died." And I hear this big intake of breath, but seriously I'm so irritated because "where the hell were you?" This was big news in this group for some time and you were there, but whatever, there are some people who won't remember--they have their own hidden tragedies--and I don't really have the time and energy to get that upset, I mean really, just let it be, ya know. Who cares that he didn't pay attention it's not all about me, and that's hardly the most insensitive thing I've heard, so get on with the conversation and the work you have to do. You don't have to be waylaid by this.

I move on to connect with another colleague and whamie another delay in my "let it be" mantra with the whole,
Well, I couldn't commit, because I'll probably be out in May. . . . blah blah blah . . . I won't be able to do anything until after May . . . .blah blah blah . . . . .out in May . . . blah . . . May . . .

Yeah, I got that, but I'm in no emotional state to hear happy news about a pregnancy and another new baby, 'cause I'm still avoiding the waylay from the last conversation. So I ask other questions to get us off the whole calendar topic, and I hear in my head, "seriously she wants to tell you about her baby, and it's good news so let her tell it, you can smile, just let it be." I pause and say, "But, you mentioned that you'll be out, what's going on?"
Well, I'm, and no one here really knows this, but I'm adopting and I'm waiting for a call to travel to pick up my baby and then I'll have court dates, and I'm . . .
I couldn't believe how happy that made me. "WOW, that's awesome. Congratulations." Ah that felt good, weird and cool. "Well, you already sound like a great mom, Oh, I'm sorry I don't even know. Do you have other children?" OK, seriously me, you need to let it be, you know better than to ask that question, what if she's had some tragedy . . . .
Oh, no, I'm going to be a single mom.
And she get's tears in her eyes, and I feel so privileged that she told me this terrific news and I told her so and I got tears in my eyes. "Well, this is selfish I know, but I've had a crappy day so far, and well, this is the best news I've heard all day. Thank you."

So, I'm thinking the waylays and the delays are over, but when I get out of the meeting I encounter construction and a detour and land on the wrong highway, and look up at a big green billboard for a women's clinic that reads, "Having trouble getting pregnant? Next left." No, "let it be" on that one, first the angry sardonic words came, "been there, done that, baby died." Then I screamed and cried and missed the detour back on to the road I needed to get home. I managed to calm myself down and took the very next exit and turned onto a another road with a sign that reads "Hospital Road," and the swear fest resumes until I turn the corner right past the hospital where Caitlin was born and I am at last quiet.

Letting the tears flow and letting it be, 'cause all my day's efforts have led me here.

I miss her. I'm not always sad. I'm not always in grief, but today my journey had some waylays, delays, and detours. Eventually I did make it home to fold myself into the arms of my DH, tell the whole story without a breath and cry myself to sleep.


  1. No words, just many many ((hugs))

  2. Everything now takes on a new meaning. Hugssssss. Remembering Caitlin today.

  3. What a day, and you let it be. Well done.

  4. Yeah, you said it perfectly. I hate those days. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. Sometimes it just hits so hard again. Hugs.

  5. (((((hugs)))))
    some days are just too much.

  6. Some days just don't stop, do they?

    I learn so much from you. Thank you for writing.

  7. Detours - what a good way to describe this. I'm glad you made it through the day.

  8. I hate those kinds of days. One of those encounters on their own would probably have been do-able, but when they just keep piling on, one after another, it gets to be unbearable at times. (((hugs)))

  9. I'm sorry, what a crappy day. (((Hugs)))