Buckup Facebook Friends

In modern life, or rather life in the 21st Century, one must get comfortable or at the very least, manage a life in a complex world--and one must get comfortable and manage one's e-life in an equally complex virtual world. The bereaved navigate emails, blogs, forums, work google docs, and social networking sites just like everyone else. Grief is a real and tangible experience, and expressing it in a virtual world is difficult at times. It's also quite lonely and in a society that seems to want only happy and no sad, it can be painfully isolating.

Of the places where e-life is difficult, Facebook poses numerous challenges. It seems many of us have given in to a life on the internet. We are becoming that kind of society. I can't imagine it ever being OK, for parents to not grieve their children. After all grief isn't virtual, it's real. You feel it in every cell of your body, every neuron in your brain, and every space in your soul. But, does grief belong on FB? It's a social networking site after all, be sociable.

Yet, FB seems to be a social network where "friends" seem to only want to hear happy things. But, wait, that's not exactly true, unhappy things can also be posted, but those should fall under the categories of "rambling on endlessly about nothing" or "self-indulgent complaints about none life-threatening situations" or "sarcastic rants about this and that." Post a real, raw and human emotion and be prepared to be ignored or deleted. I think most bereaved parents find it difficult to participate in a faux life--even on the net. Why wouldn't we post about the most significant event in our lives in the past year or so? The answer seems to be "we do" and frequently we are silenced because "friends" don't want to hear about it. To be clear, this is pretty much what we encounter in real life, too. So, we go to forums, blogs, memorial pages, and the like to express what few want to hear, but I digress.

It seems acceptable to gush honestly on FB, but grieve no. I would be all over it if Caitlin had lived."Name is watching her daughter throw Cherrios around." That post would get dozens of thumbs up and comments like, "wait till they throw soup." But, dare to post, "Name is visiting his child's grave" and more isolation may ensue. A friend with 400+ "friends" posted that s/he missed her niece who had died as a child and 2 of us replied with messages of support.

It's perfectly acceptable to whine on FB. That's fine, I guess, everyone ought to have a space to voice some frustration and irritation. "Name is sick today." "Name got a parking ticket." Numerous friends respond with "that sucks" or "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."

So, I say: Buck up FB friends! When you read "Name is missing her child today," try continuing to be human and respond with "that sucks" and "I'm sorry."

[There, I said it and I'm glad. I could have saved 477 words, if I had just started with that!]