Note for Family and Friends Who Read

Dear Family and Friends in Real Life,

If you've discovered and read my blog then you might be wondering, "Hey, is that woman the one I know?" or "Why is she so angry?" or "Why does she write such personal thoughts to strangers?""Will she ever get over it?"

And if you're thinking you should treat me differently or ask me about this or talk it out with someone else without me there  . . . . it's OK, go ahead. I mean that with no sarcasm or snarky insincerity. Your life and how you may or may not respond to this space and my words belong to you as does my response and rumination of my grief experiences belong to me.

Remember that I love you. Remember that anger ebbs and flows--as do all other emotions. Know that I sometimes don't want to burden family and friends of real life with "such personal thoughts," because I know some might be offended, or hurt, or feel obligated to try to make it better, or try to get me to be happy. And well, I am happy, though it's a complicated life happy.

 

And this space allows me to express the positive and the negative and that helps keep me in some kind of equilibrium.


AND so if you are reading, feel free to comment or not. It's OK. I love you.

Peace.

Dear Pregnant Women

Dear pregnant women who are friends of friends,

Ladies, I barely know you in real life, so please stop friending me on FaceBook just so you can increase the number of people who know that you are pregnant. I'm happy for you, but a bereaved mother is not the person who needs an update on your heartburn and other pregnancy troubles. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and a live baby. And now I must unfriend you. Peace.

Be Happy---No, I don't have to

There comes a time in life when you have to walk away from all the pointless drama and the people who create it, and surround your self with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Repost if you agree.

This is one of the latest FaceBook virus posts going around. But, as usual, I take everything at heart-level.

While I think walking away from pointless drama and those who foster it and surrounding oneself with creatively funny people who love life is a good thing, I DON'T think that "Life is too short to be anything but happy."

Joy lives with sadness. People who tell others how to feel with "be happy" are missing an important step toward feeling happiness--honoring sadness when it visits. It's unreasonable to think one can "be anything but happy"and a myth to think that one can abolish sadness.

Acknowledge and honor the sadness that enters your life and sit with those who feel sorrow and you'll find release. You'll find that neither sorrow nor joy stay forever, and then you'll be living----and you'll be happy.

And so . . .

Two things

1. ((((hugs)))) to all of you who held me through my frustration in my previous post.

and so . . .

2. What do I say when someone does say this to me?

"Well, I don't really see it that way. But thank you."
OR
---silence---

If it's someone who loves me then I speak. If it's a stranger or acquaintance I am silent.* (Well, usually.) And that's where the e-outburst came from, because I take those feelings home, and they scrape across my heart for days. Sometimes the feelings bubble out like a mud-pot, but yesterday the fissure at my core couldn't vent it evenly and the geyser of anger blew.

It's not what people say that I wish to change.* (OK, well I do wish I could prevent them from saying it to me.) But, I'm resigned. I know I will continue to hear this statement, and I know that it is not said to hurt, far from it, it's their best attempt to comfort. Many of you echoed this in your comments. I talk about making meaning, and that statement for some is how they make their meaning.

But, I don't feel like I can tell them that.

Why? Some will be hurt by me because they view it as rejecting their offer of comfort. Some will try to convince me, and then it's really bad. Some will bible-verse me and give me a condescending "Well, I'll pray that you understand someday." Some will feel helpless. And that feeling just plain sucks. Some will fear that my faith is gone. Another sucky feeling. Sometimes, I simply too exhausted and too tired to form words to express my grief.

The burden then is mine, I must learn how to navigate it's effect on me. I'm working on it. It's part of this grief work the bereaved cannot escape.

*Anyone else notice that I'm desperate to escape the reality that nothing is simple and there is no right answer to this even in my own head?! Ha! I laughed out loud.

My Blogoversary

And now for something completely self-serving. It's my blogoversary . . . well let me tell it as it played out in my living room.

"It's my blogoversary."

"Your what?" DH asks barely listening.

"Blogoversary, you know like Julie from "Julie and Julia." She blogged for a year and then had a blogoversary and left the pound of butter beneath Julia Child's picture."

"Butter? Your what?"

"Blogging. I've been blogging for a year."

"Oh, that's great, dear."

OK, that's not exactly what happened, but close. Ha!


It's been a year, and I've been reflecting about what the blogging activity has done for me and my goal of becoming the kind of mother Caitlin should have. She saved my heart, you know. She transformed me when she came 7 weeks early and gave me the gift of motherhood. And I was afraid. I doubted my ability to parent her and protect her and help her grow in a cruel world that isn't particularly friendly to children with Down syndrome. And I was afraid that she would see in my eyes, that I had wished for her to be something other than what she was.



Caitlin was very sick when she was born. She had a heart defect and she slept most of the time I parented her in the hospital. I cherish the times she opened her eyes and looked into mine. And, I know she only saw that I loved her. "I'm sorry," I told her one day,"you don't have a perfect mother, but I love you perfectly." DH would say, "I can't wait until we can bring her home and find out who she is." On the eve of her heart surgery, her bowel perforated and she died in my arms to my singing. I was torn open.


I was (and am) well-supported by family and friends, but grief overwhelms takes control, and commands attention. I surrendered. I tasted words, and wrote poetry. I saw images, and longed for skills to bring them to canvas. I created montages of pictures of her and music that I sang to her. I wrote my grief in short stories, as I remembered every detail of a conversation or an experience at the cemetery. I worried that family and friends would grow weary of my grief and my DH was taking care of me postponing his grief. Outwardly he grieved in different ways than me and I was afraid he wouldn't know where to find me when I was in deep mourning.

I found the MISS Foundation and other bereavement forums and I posted and read and read and posted. I had found another place for my anguish to go. MISS Foundation remains a source of great comfort for me. I also discovered the blogging community of bereaved parents, mostly mothers who showed me that this e-life was different than the frivolous, the mean-spirited, the commercial, the everyday, and the academic blogs. Bloggers in this community sent e-hugs, but you could feel them "for reals." They revealed their hearts without fear; the deaths of their children destroyed any fear that remained. I learned that you have to be willing to be vulnerable if you wish to be held.

I needed a place to put my longer posts and the ones that were personal and exploratory. And that's when I started this blog. I can't say that on this blogoversary that I'm celebrating, rather I'm grateful. That when my precious child, Caitlin died and I couldn't seem to find enough fuel for the raging grief fires that ravaged my heart, mind, body, and soul, there was another place for it to burn. This e-space offered something real life couldn't deliver, a place of pause. A Fifth Season where the world could and did stop turning while I ruminated and made meaning of Caitlin's life and death.

About "Followers"

When I entered the blogosphere as an active blogger, I learned how things work the way most of us do--by doing. I clicked and added and linked and posted and commented and followed. Wait, followed? What's that?

It's a way to subscribe to another blogger's RSS feed. It allows me to link to blogs that I find interesting, helpful, insightful, and worth keeping track of, and it helps me read the new posts by letting me know when they are posted. Once I subscribe, I become a "follower." Like so many e-life terms (like "friending" your DH on FaceBook--weird) this one was a bit uncomfortable. Following in real life seems to connote agreement by suggesting that the one who follows is aiming to go in the same direction as the one being followed. Going in the same direction can lead to an assumption of agreement and "rubber stamping" the ideas posted by the followed blogger. For me, following meant merely to keep track of and pay attention.

"What cool, interesting, insightful, or controversial thing will they say next?"

When I ask that question, I click the "follow this blog" button. I usually add bloggers who have the common link of bereavement or parenting struggles of some kind which fits "going in the same direction," but it feels more like we walk together or meet along the way--not follow.

Another bit of awkwardness about this "following" is that I now had followers. Weird, again. I don't think of my readers as aiming to follow in my path. Yikes! Who would want that? I have no delusions of guru. Rather I recognize that others simply have some interest in reading about my journey. They frequently comment, and sometimes don't, and both responses are fine and appreciated. I changed the title of followers to readers, but that sounded so impersonal, so I went with the FB term--friends, so my blog better reflects how I feel about them, but (and this is an UGH), Blogger insists on labeling them "followers."

Now, I've been on the blogosphere for nearly a year (I know, a neophyte), and have discovered an issue with this follower thing. Some bloggers find that they will have individuals stop following, and conclude that it's because of a post the follower disagreed with or was offended by. The now non-follower removes his/her link as a consequence of that disagreement or offending post. This feels crappy to the followed, and may result in hurt feelings. The blogger may become more careful with his/her future posts. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, we ought to be careful of the words we sling out into the universe for others to encounter. We should be careful not to incite hatred or spread vicious lies or be downright mean--because I think nice matters. But, perhaps, it's the term that's causing the trouble.

If we understood, that people read our blogs for a variety of reasons, we might not feel hurt if they stop following . . . or get a big head when we gain another "fan" as Google describes it. Not everyone who follows is a fan. If perhaps, we understood that following wasn't always a "hey, you're my hero" kinda thing, we might be better served. More importantly, we might better serve by contributing to a conversation about this most difficult and joyous life. (Yup, I'm goin' all human condition on ya.)

Sorting out my own participation, I made several conscious decisions about this follower thing. I like reading a wide variety of opinions and pathways, and my life is richer when I read posts with which I disagree and agree. So, if I'm a follower of your blog; I'm a fan!--meaning, "I love reading your blog." It's a gem when I discover a blog that pushes buttons, prompts me to see life in another way, or makes me go "hmmmmmm." It's also validating when I read a blog where the blogger's ideas resonate strongly with me. I see myself as 'reader,' and as I wrote before, I have no delusions that those who read my blog are following me. I like the way following allows the blogger to link, thereby expanding e-life connections, and I like the way following helps the blogger keep in touch with interesting people who are willing to articulate their life experiences, emotions, and what holds meaning for them. Oh, I also like the recipes and pics of the backyard, too!

In short:

Following is cool; I just don't like the label.

Blogging and Healing

Some bloggers have written in the past (and recently) about when their real life family and friends discover or read their blogs. Some find it disconcerting that real life and e-life has met on the blogosphere. Others have invited their family and/or friends from real life, then found it to be frustrating. Still others fear that the blog will be discovered. And even though they may track visitors by area of the country, it's not like they get a "Hi, Sweetie, it's me your BFF from HS!!!" Instead the blogger can be left to wonder, "Has my e-life been discovered?" Often the follow-up question is "And how do I feel about that?" Still others have a completely open blog to friends and family as well as their e-life friends and family.

I'm convinced that the bereaved community (and the IF community) blogs a bit differently than perhaps other bloggers. I tend to read confessions of real life struggles. Dead baby mamas tend not to waste time painting themselves as better than perfect; they don't have the energy because they are busy trying to survive. I also tend to read "thinking out loud" posts, when the bereaved make sense of how their lives are situated living without their child. (I do quite a bit of this.) We also write stories of what real life looks like and feels like now. The trip to the grocery store means something more than getting a jug of milk; it can be a painful emotional roller coaster ride. I've read plenty of honest rumination of past firmly-held beliefs. The bereaved seem to be fearless in pulling their beliefs apart and refashioning them to help them survive. The bereaved blogger also seems fearless in tackling the expression of ambiguous emotions (what others call negative emotions) of anger, jealousy, rage, and depression. Sometimes the rants remain as rants, but most often the blogger will write his or her own resolution and usually, in my opinion, finds a healing way to live in the "normal" world where babies don't die. That process of acknowledging emotions, telling stories, exploring life philosophies, and sending out e-hugs in the form of comments to other bereaved is a primary reason for blogging.

Why blog? Why not just keep a diary, or use your real life support group of family and friends?

Well, navigating the normal world when traveling a grief journey typically takes longer than most of the "normals" understand. Some will say "move on," hint at moving on, or ignore the dead child. Some who read wonder at the raw emotion that leaps off the net, and think that we are wallowing. There is so much more to write on this subject, but I'll close with this.

For me, blogging has been an immense help to me by being a vehicle to explore, express, and find meaning. Although, I had/have lots of support from family and friends, I could tell I was wearing them down. And help comes in the form of the many comments fellow bloggers leave in support, and in reading the many posts of other parents who struggle with many kinds of loss. Sometimes I have nothing to post, so I work on healing by leaving as many comments as possible.

Back from RealLife

Welcome ICLWeS! I'm back and happy to report some success in my endeavors to pay attention to real life! During my hiatus from e-life, I did have to go off and do a bit of work. But on my drive home, I took a few detours---into Wine country.
In celebration of engaging and enjoying real life, I visited three wineries. I tasted a few (make that several) wines and bought a couple of bottles. Who knew that Virginia is 5th in the nation for wine production? Well, now I know, thanks to a lovely lady who poured a Chambourcin for my tasting at Cave Ridge Vineyard.


I think I enjoyed veering off my path the most. There is something quite liberating in letting the schedule be and just go. I drove into the Virginia country side. I waved back at the people who waved to me as I passed by, as though they knew me. I drove slowly and stopped to take pictures and talk to strangers about grapes, vines, and whether chocolate or cheese would go best with a wine made from Norton grapes! And all the while, I'm intimately aware that this is evidence that I am a survivor, and that it's possible to engage, and yes, even enjoy, life after the death of my precious daughter. And, that it's OK to live again---it's OK.

Real Life, Not E-life

Today, I sat at the kitchen table with DH and was distracted, by a bright red cardinal perched on a branch protruding from one of the many pine trees that surround our neighborhood. The pine trees are full of green patches of moss and so the red seemed more stark than perhaps it was. We watched the bird for moments. Only moments and it was such a fulfilling spectacle, though short. We talked about the world around us coming life as spring prepares a way for summer. This preparation that the frogs sing out for us every evening. They croak an almost deafening sound when we are still enough to listen.

And so I'm thinking, I need a little more real-life and a little less e-life. So, like so many bloggers, I find it necessary to write about taking a break from the net, the forums, the blogs, email, and go offline into real life for a few days. (Besides, it's DH's B-day today and I have a few things to do!)

I mean the net has lots to offer, but a red cardinal in the mossy green woods---Can't beat that. And yes, that's one of our frogs (or is it a toad?) hangin' out with us on the deck. I think he thought the pine needle on his back was a nice disguise. Heh heh.

I've left the comments open so if you visit when I'm not "in," you can let me know you stopped by, talk amongst yourselves, or leave a message for the frog! S/he needs a name!

Peace.

Show & Tell

My first time joining Mel's Show & Tell. On a recent outing I discovered these coasters. I love the natural look of the butterflies and of course they make me think of Caitlin. It's a way of continuing to weave her into our lives.

Nothing in Me Today

I've had "nothing" in me today. Just blah and struggling to get the work in. I'm way behind in my ICLW comments, so will have a quite a day to come . . . Sorry. I think of my friends out in Blogosphere and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your loving comments. Peace.

****** I did it ****** ICLW comments are out there. And, actually, I feel a little better having read and focused on others. That whole sending the love out there works. Just does!!!