Thursday, November 24, 2011

My Show is On

What's the point?
This "life thing." I'm not being facetious or provocative.
No dark humor here--There are days, I truly don't get the intended point.

Driving across the DE bridge, I see the signs, "If you are in distress call."
But, I've been in distress for several years and wonder:
What call?
Call who?
Why call?
So they can save me?

I can't call, I'm supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
You know: 1) dig deep, 2) have faith, 3) count my blessings 4) Accept that the Fault lies with me.
Always  . . . only unto the evil thereof.
You know, I deserve what I get an' such, and I've done nothing that deserves anything better.

Such tunnel vision . . . as if it were only about me.
What happened only affects me and was only prompted by me and can only be corrected by me.

More like funnel vision.

Eh, this line of thought . . .


That brief moment of free flight, is but an illusion of liberation, a mere hope of eternity, an unanswerable question of significance.

Perhaps, seeking the answer is worth it?
If one knew that Chaos would end with an eternal caesura. Ah, but would Bliss follow?

And, what poses these questions?
It is the longing
the wishing
the hoping
the desire
for stasis.

What's the intended point?
I need sleep.
A drink.
Or some effective anti-depressents
But, above all . . .
what's the intended point?
I know better than to look somewhere without for meaning.

And . . . sorry to say, the God doesn't aid in meaning-making.
I'm better off speaking with Him personally than waiting for the unknowable answer. Or listening to others tell me what God means.

And my faith tells me that if he is a He, then questioning is a problem.
If we are to stick to the Patriarch then merely asking the question is problematic.
Silence from the original sinner is expected. So, best to forget about it, and Just Obey, right?

I am expected to have no thought. I am expected to be comforted with no explanation. I am expected to wait until death to discover the reason. And be assured that that reason will, in fact, provide the comfort I seek. "Wait till I'm ready to tell you," all the while I praise for keeping me in the dark.

Perhaps in the free fall the waiting ceases, or ---  the Bluff is called.

I'm done. My show is on. I'll think on this another day.


  1. For myself, I don't know that there is an intended point. Or perhaps not one that I am able to grasp. I can only think that I am supposed to construct my own meaning, force one from a place where I can see only chaos. Because without a meaning, without a point, even if it is one I have to fake up myself, I can't live, I'd just be flailing around. And this created, artificial meaning is just about bearable provided I don't call my own bluff.

    I can't fulfil those expectations, to have no thought, endless patience, to be comforted when I can see no comfort in this life at times. Sometimes those expectations seem completely unreasonable, at others, they seem inevitable, if only i had the temperament for them.

    Longing, wishing, hoping, needing a drink or some effective anti-depressants alongside you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter, it is nice to read a voice that makes sense to me today. Hope you enjoy your show xo

  2. Ah, Catherine. I truly thought I was sending a message out to no-one today. Thanks for reading and responding. I'm with you on making my own meaning. Even when others tell me "what it's all about," it's still up to me determine if there is truly meaning that's available to me. Peace.

  3. Ditto with Catherine over here. This post spoke to me today. Thank you for sharing.