OK, here's the thing. I'm done with Thanksgiving. I'm done with the whole, "what are you thankful for?" malarky. I am grateful that I had Caitlin. I am grateful that my DH and I are solid as a rock. But, I resist the persistent forced "be thankful" spirit of this season. This season for me is a season of mourning, of remembering, of reverence, and sadness. Thanksgiving is a big "suckage" holiday for me. I put it second to Mother's Day. And that's OK. It's just the way it is. The day before Thanksgiving we had Caitlin's funeral. I'm grateful for the many friends and family who made the trek, for some an expensive trek, to be there with us to say "goodbye" to our daughter. I'm grateful for the friends who postponed their holiday travel to attend my daughter's funeral instead. I'm grateful. They held us through that awful day. But, I'm not on board with Thanksgiving holiday. I'm done with it. Done with forced smiles and forced happiness.
I should have phoned in "bereaved" this latest holiday gathering. I'm just not strong enough all the time. The babies and the baby stories just about did me in. The "cooing" and the explaining every move and sound they make was unbearable. And the comment of "Well, we just have to trust that God knows best" was not helpful. Really, God knowing best that my daughter should die instead of live is just not how you comfort a bereaved parent. It has the effect of negating the feelings of the bereaved. Like, "Well, too bad, 'cause God knows best." What I heard was, "It was best that Caitlin died." Yup, when you pull a God plan on me that's what I hear. I know that's not the intention, but that's what it feels like. So, if you could just kindly keep the God reasons to yourself to comfort yourself--protect yourself from the horror of understanding what it feels like for your child to be dead---that would be great. And, if you meant it, that it was best that she be dead, then shut the F up, and spew that crap at coffee with the other gossip mongers.
I'm done. I'm done with this holiday.
