Saturday, January 23, 2010
Wrestling with A Shadow
Now after two years my next shadow match is in play. Wrestling with Sadness. Sadness is more aloof and less remorseful for the role she plays in my life. She's not really sure why she's here. After all, "others have more than you, how dare you be sad." And others have learned to "move on," or "understand it's God's plan," and your child is "in a better place," so she's family now.
Death will sit with me and talk about Caitlin and remember with me and recognize that love couldn't but should've saved my daughter. Sadness merely sits on me, weighing me down and wishing to be anywhere but with me. And Sadness has no holds, I can't grab on and wrestle her into submission. She's a sponge and she's soaked my living into her porous purposeless mesh.
Sadness has settled. It's odd, because I've written extensively about my emotions since my daughter's death, and Sadness seemed too small to mention. Sadness was miniscule to do this pain justice. But, Sadness has settled, and she isn't small. She's quite powerful and I don't like her. Not one bit. Sadness is like novacaine; I can't feel anything that I do.
And, I'm pissed about that . . . ah perhaps I've found a hold . . . because if I'm pissed then I'm feeling something. Right?