Saturday, January 23, 2010

Wrestling with A Shadow

It's what we do, wrestle with a shadow. Our first shadow match is death. Death takes our child, and we wrestle it with the hope and intent of bring our baby back to life. It's not a crazy endeavor; it's real. Have you truly listened to the prayers and needs of bereaved parents. They mean it. Whatever it would take to bring their child back to life---they would do. Only they lose the match to Death, but get to know Death and come to know that to be connected to their beloved child, they must embrace Death.

Now after two years my next shadow match is in play. Wrestling with Sadness. Sadness is more aloof and less remorseful for the role she plays in my life. She's not really sure why she's here. After all, "others have more than you, how dare you be sad." And others have learned to "move on," or "understand it's God's plan," and your child is "in a better place," so she's family now.

Death will sit with me and talk about Caitlin and remember with me and recognize that love couldn't but should've saved my daughter. Sadness merely sits on me, weighing me down and wishing to be anywhere but with me. And Sadness has no holds, I can't grab on and wrestle her into submission. She's a sponge and she's soaked my living into her porous purposeless mesh.

Sadness has settled. It's odd, because I've written extensively about my emotions since my daughter's death, and Sadness seemed too small to mention. Sadness was miniscule to do this pain justice. But, Sadness has settled, and she isn't small. She's quite powerful and I don't like her. Not one bit. Sadness is like novacaine; I can't feel anything that I do.

And, I'm pissed about that . . . ah perhaps I've found a hold . . . because if I'm pissed then I'm feeling something. Right?


  1. Yes the sadness does settle and whatever we do - smile eat and even laugh deep in our eyes the sadness is there for all to see. Hugsss

  2. i like your post very, very much. Maybe that fact that we can make sadness pretty by writing about her... that would be another hold on her for she surely is an ugly cow and doesn't want to be pretty.

    Thank you for your words.


  3. Everything you said in this captures how I've been feeling lately. Yes, sadness is like a sponge, oozing and dripping and sucking all at the same time. And I do often feel guilty for feeling so sad when others, all over the world, have it far worse than me. But I am still sad, and my sadness is real.

    Sitting with sadness right alongside of you.

  4. Perhaps because Death helps you feel Caitlin's presence, but Sadness only highlights her absence.

    Beautiful -- hauntingly beautiful post.

  5. I'm still thinking about your comments. I've felt a difference in the texture of my grief lately, maybe it's because I'm wresting with something different, too. Hmmm.

    Here to listen as you fight (through? (off? with?) the sadness.

  6. Pissed is good. Actually pissed is great, because as you said at least you're feeling something.

    I'm sick of feeling numb. Numb sucks. I wish it would go away and stay away! It keeps sneaking back in every time I'm not looking.

    You've described perfectly this place in the journey so many are on.

  7. Yes, a perfect capture of what I feel...sadness, not a big enough word for what I feel, but it is the word nonetheless.

  8. Yes. Sometimes sadness can be the heaviest of all.

    Beautiful post.

  9. I am so sorry for your sadness. {{{hugs}}}

  10. So beautifully written and so true. Initially, I felt I had some fight in me, that I felt something at least. Whilst Death was still around. I loved the passage about how Death will sit and talk about Caitlin with you.
    But sadness, sadness just has me with my arms down at my sides, going limp.
    I tend to hold on to anything that isn't sadness, just to feel something. Even pissed seems preferable to me most of the time.
    Much love xo

  11. I haven't experienced a loss as you have, but you described the feeling of sadness I have had lately absolutely perfectly. That feeling of sadness that you can't shake is the worse. At least if you are really sad you can have a good cry, or if you're angry you can go hit something, but the sadness blahs just hang on you and wear you down. I hope that you can shake it soon. This was a beautiful and eloquent post. thank you. LFCA

  12. So beautifully written...and so hauntingly true.